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• The Dating Net

Feeling Left Behind in the Dating Game?

When you’re young it’s so exciting to make plans for the future. Getting through university by 21, working hard and saving through your twenties, meeting a man by 25, marrying by 28, having kids by 35 and moving up the housing ladder together in a neat little family unit.

It’s easy to assume things will fall into place at the time you plan for, and why not, when so many friends seem to effortlessly develop their own plans without a single hitch.

Toni describes how she felt as one by one her friends got engaged, passing all the milestones she had set for herself, while she felt utterly left out: ”I should have been pleased for them, but it seemed increasingly like I was a character from Four Weddings and a Funeral. Either that or I began to consider changing my name to Bridget.”

Toni is less alone than she fears, because according to the Office of National Statistics, 40% of 18-49 year old women are single and the average age for marriage is now 34…so still time yet!

So if your mum’s getting less and less subtle about grandchildren, and if you have to be a bridesmaid one more time you’ll scream, what help is on offer for keeping your sanity as a single woman?

Coping with being left out

There seems to be a syndrome with the newly married that they only want to do things with other married couples, and many once treasured single friends are left out in the cold, wondering what they did wrong.

Although the answer is nothing, of course, it’s time to move on to meet new friends in the same boat, who don’t need you to have a partner to be of value as a friend. It can be hard to change your social circle, but there are many singles groups, sports activities and a wealth of classes and voluntary work out there to fill the gap. It takes courage to change your way of socialising, but risk has its reward. The internet is an incredibly valuable source of information in this respect.

Live for now

Sometimes we have a habit of living for the future or dwelling on the past, without truly considering the value of now. Now isn’t a holding bay till you meet the man of your dreams; it’s a time full of opportunities to achieve all you want from life.

A partner will never complete you if you have big holes in your dreams and goals – so concentrate on yourself and go for it. It’s that old cliché, life isn’t a rehearsal. There’s another cliché; love will find you, and it generally comes when you least expect…so stop expecting!

Learn how to be happy

Everyone has periods in their life when they are alone, but it’s easy to assume that you’re the only one feeling the way you do about it, especially when everyone else seems to be linked up and content.

Listening to negative messages in the media and false sympathy from friends and family can really bring you down and a feeling of being somehow ”different”.

The truth is that none of us are the same, either genetically or emotionally, and there’s no reason why we have to fit in with everyone else. The message is to celebrate your individuality, and mix with only those who make you feel good about yourself. This may involve some heavy decisions about who you will socialise with from now on.

Don’t go with the first option

There’s a danger of settling for the first reasonable man that comes along, jumping in simply to stave off feelings of isolation. This becomes a vicious circle however, because the feelings of failure when it doesn’t work are worse than maintaining a single status quo.

The only reasons to give up your single life is for someone you really desire, who really desires you (and you alone) and who you get on with so well you wish you’d met them years ago.

That strength of feeling can take a little while to develop, so there’s a suggestion here that you certainly give new relationships a fighting chance by being open minded. But don’t carry on regardless if your instincts are screaming at you he’s not right. Being with the wrong person is a far lonelier existence in the long term.

Fay Maguire at http://www.countryfriends.weebly.com

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